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Adult Sibling Loss ~ Online Grief Support
Subject: My Brother's Death ~ Feeling Pressured to Move On in Grief
Question:
A week ago yesterday I found my brother dead when I went to check on him at lunch. I call him every morning and when I could not get a hold of him I got worried. He was really my best friend as well as my brother. We shared a lot and I loved him so much. I am really sad still and know that I will be for a long time. He was in a motorcycle accident many years ago and was never the same after. He lost an arm and an eye.
People say I should be starting to feel better, but I don't. It's hard to breathe and my chest feels like it's being crushed all the time. It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from. I just don't know what to do any more. I am so mean to people for no reason at all, and that is not like me. I am full of grief and feel as though I am too much of a burden to my wife, who has been there for me through this whole thing. I feel like she is starting to get sick of me crying and I'm actually a bit sick of it, too. I do not want to stop grieving though. I don't want to forget him. I loved him so very much. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I miss everything about him.
Answer:
I'm so very sorry to learn that you have lost your precious brother, and I send you my heartfelt sympathy. You describe so vividly the agony of
losing a sibling to death,
and my heart aches for you. I am also saddened to read how pressured you feel at this very early point in your grief journey. You lost your brother so very recently, and already you're feeling as if you're not "doing" your grief properly or quickly enough! You may feel chastised or judged as a "failure" in your bereavement, as if, in the words of Rabbi Earl Grollman, you're "an underachiever who flunked a grief course."
The fact is that people in the freshest throes of grief are wounded: they are more vulnerable, more easily hurt, and more sensitive to the comments and behavior of others. In an ideal world -at times of grief - we would be surrounded by those who deeply care, understand and accept the depth of our
loss.
But the world is not ideal, and we do have to deal with others, both at home and in the workplace. I want to encourage you to continue to
seek the support
of those who do understand your experience and accept your feelings. Reach out to your spouse, close friends, family or acquaintances, even strangers (such as those who visit the Loss of a Sibling Forum in my
Grief Healing Discussion Groups)
who are willing to listen to your story. And don't let others judge how well you are doing with your grief.
"If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died."
~ Doug Manning in
The Gift of Significance: Walking People through a Loss
We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving.
Somehow we have it backwards.
We think people are doing well when they aren't crying.
Grief is a process of walking through some painful periods
toward learning to cope again.
We do not walk this path without pain and tears.
When we are in the most pain,
we are making the most progress.
When the pain is less,
we are coasting and resting up for the next steps.
People need to grieve.
Grief is not an enemy to be avoided;
it is a healing path to be walked.
~ from HOPE Line Newsletter, August 2002
Web site:
www.hopeforbereaved.com
You say that you are growing sick of crying, but you don't want to stop grieving and you don't want to forget your brother. Unfortunately, in grief we sometimes equate letting go of our pain with letting go of our loved one. We worry that if we stop crying or hurting, it somehow would mean that we have forgotten our beloved. But "letting go" does not mean forgetting your brother, or letting go of your memories of him, or giving up your relationship with this person who means so much to you. So often we torture ourselves thinking we need to "let go" of our loved ones who have died and say goodbye to them forever more -- but when you loved your brother that much, why in the world would you want to let go of him? As time goes by and you feel more ready to do so, focus instead on letting go of your pain. As Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang point out in their book,
Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook,
We gradually realize that we neither need nor want what we have been holding on to - guilt, depression, sadness, anger, fear, powerlessness - whatever pain we have used as a connection to our loved one or as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt . . .We have our memories and our bond with our loved one. In fact, to hold on to it fiercely would only ruin our lives. Our holding on would make us bitter, not better. This realization that we can, need to, want to, must let go of our pain is like watching the sun rise or set. It is a slow, gentle, almost imperceptible process that happens day after day, just as we will continue to release our pain again and again.
This letting go is a gradual process that takes place over time, my friend, and it's been barely one week since you've
lost your brother.
My prayer for you is that you will be more patient with yourself, and remove some of the pressure you are feeling to hurry this process along. Your grief journey has barely just begun. Give yourself time - a lifetime! - to explore and find meaning in this loss.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Copyright © 2005 Marty Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are
interested in publishing this article, please email
.
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