The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey
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make the process of mourning a healing one. Find support and guidance in dealing with
the many facets of grief.
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Dear Marty ~ Apologizing for Expressing the Anger of Grief
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley
Question: In a few more days
it will be ten years since I lost my wife and daughter in an auto accident. I
have been in a bad headspace for the past few days and left a not-so-nice
message for you in the Grief Healing Discussion Group Forum, and there is no
"take it back" button. So this is my apology. I should not have lashed
out at you; it's just that you were there, if you know what I mean. Once again,
I am sorry.
Answer: I read your most recent
post in the Discussion Group to be an honest expression of your feelings, so
there is no need for you to apologize. Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or
bad - they just are. I would hope that one of the benefits of the
online group forums
is that they offer visitors like yourself a safe place to put your feelings.
Like a journal, these forums are always there, 24 hours a day, free of charge
and ready to "listen" without judgment or reproach. I would not
presume to tell you (or anyone else who is grieving the loss of a loved one)
what you "should" or "should not" be feeling.
Neither would I presume to offer you advice, especially when it is unsolicited -
and you have not asked me for anything. In my posting to you yesterday, I was
offering Thomas Attig's
Griefs Heart Web site
and books merely as a suggestion. The site describes the work of author Thomas
Attig, who has spent more than 25 years listening to mourners, and teaching and
reflecting on how Americans come to terms with loss. Among other things, Dr.
Attig says that the most difficult challenge in grief is not
"letting go" of our loved ones who have died but instead, "making
the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation." To read an
excerpt from his book
The Heart of Grief,
visit
this page.
What caught my attention about his site (and what made me think of you) is his
emphasis on continuing the bonds with our loved ones who have died. He suggests
that sometimes survivors fear that when they accept the loss of their loved
ones, it means they have stopped loving them. Many people who are unable to let
themselves feel the full impact of their loss, find themselves stuck in wishing
for the past and the return of a loved one. Consequently, there can be no
forward movement and no acceptance of the loss.
I know that you are afraid, but you do not have to do this difficult grief work
all alone. There is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving, and each
of us must find our own way. But the passage of time will not heal your grief,
Bob. It is what you do with the time that matters. I believe very strongly that
the first step in
coping with grief is to educate yourself
about it, so you know what to expect and what tools are available to help you
manage it. There is an abundance of help out there just waiting for you to find
it. If you haven't yet obtained all the help you need, keep on looking! You
might ask your primary care physician for a referral to someone who specializes
in grief therapy or bereavement counseling, or try calling your local hospice or
funeral home and asking for a referral.
I hope that you will continue to use the
Grief and Loss Discussion Group
forums as one more way of obtaining the information, comfort and support you
need and deserve as you continue on your own grief journey. In any event, please
know that I am thinking of you, and I very much appreciate your writing to me.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Marty Tousley is the creator and instructor of the Self-Healing Expressions course
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.
Click button to learn more about Marty and her grief-healing course.
Copyright © 2004 Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested
in publishing this article, please email .
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