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Children and Grief ~ Grief Healing Course
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey
Understand the nature of grief and its potential impact on all aspects of your life: physical,
financial, emotional, social and spiritual. Learn how to move through grief actively and
make the process of mourning a healing one. Find support and guidance in dealing with
the many facets of grief.
[ Learn more]
Dear Marty ~ Grieving Child "Begging for Pity?"
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley
Question: My grandchild, age 7,
lost her mother almost two months ago. The other children have shown some of the
"documented" signs of grief, and I understand everyone grieves
differently, but I am concerned for her, as she seems to be "begging"
for pity much of the time. She has told me more than once that she loves all the
spoiling she has been getting as a result of her mother's death.
Two days ago, she went with me to the Post Office to mail a package to Granddad
for Father's Day, and she blurted out to the clerk that she wished she could go
shopping for Grandpa with her mom, but her mom is dead! She seemed to be asking
the clerk to feel sorry for her. Is this normal? I have found nothing like this
behavior mentioned on any of the bereavement sites I have visited. I am unsure
whether I should suggest counseling for her to my grieving son, or just accept
it as another stage of the process.
What do you think? Thanks for any advice you can give!!
Answer: While I would not
consider your granddaughter's behavior toward the Post Office clerk as abnormal,
especially this soon after she lost her mother, her comment does appear to be a
plea for attention on her part. I think you would be wise to look past her
behavior at what she might be thinking and feeling at this point in her grieving
process.
As I'm sure you know, children grieve just as deeply as adults, but they express
it differently. Because their attention span is shorter, for example, they tend
to move in and out of grief, and the symptoms of grief may come and go, varying
in intensity. Their response is based on the knowledge and skills available to
them at the time of their loss. Having had less experience with crisis and its
consequences, your granddaughter's repertoire of coping skills is simpler, and
her capacity to confront the reality of her mother's death is more limited and
immature.
Your granddaughter may indeed be feeling a need for extra attention at what must
be a sad and difficult time for everyone in your family. It may help to give her
the extra time and attention she needs before she actively seeks it or demands
it, so she'll have less of a need to express it in inappropriate ways or at
inappropriate times. Grieving children need their parents' time and attention
whenever their feelings of grief come up, and should be encouraged to talk about
them. Because your granddaughter has only one parent now, who undoubtedly is
consumed with his own grief at the loss of his wife, I would imagine that her
opportunities to have her daddy's undivided attention are limited.
As this child's grandmother, you can play a very important role in being there
for her, in helping her to share her thoughts and talk about her feelings. You
can also model reminiscing and talking openly about how much you miss her
mother. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your granddaughter
an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be
suppressed.
Reading together some of the wonderful books written just for children can be an
especially effective way to get a child to open up and talk about her grief.
Here are some suggestions, most of which can be found in the children's section
of the public library, or they can be found or ordered from local or online
bookstores:
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages,
by Leo Buscaglia, Henry Holt & Company
Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One: A Guide for Grownups,
by William C. Kroen and Pamela Espeland
How Do We Tell the Children? Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Cope When Someone Dies,
by Dan Schaefer, Christine Lyons and David Peretz
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children,
by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, Bantam
Talking about Death: A Dialogue between Parent and Child,
by Earl A. Grollman
When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving and Other Losses,
by John James, Russell Friedman, Leslie Landon Matthews
When Someone Dies,
by Sharon Greenlee and Bill Drath
See also the
Articles and Books
page of my
Grief Healing
Web site for suggestions; scroll down the page until you come to the section
labeled Books for Children and Those Who Love Them.
I also want to refer you to an insightful article by a bereaved mother that
appeared in the July / August 1998 issue of Bereavement Magazine, entitled
"Can You Discipline A Grieving Child?"
In addition, you may want to visit one or more of the following sites devoted
especially to the needs of grieving children:
Children's Grief and Loss Issues, www.childrensgrief.net
Dougy Center for Grieving Children, www.dougy.org
Helping Children with Grief, www.hospicenet.org
KidsAid: A Site for Kids in Grief, www.kidsaid.com
New Song Children's Grief Center, www.thenewsongcenter.org
Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Marty Tousley is the creator and instructor of the Self-Healing Expressions course
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.
Click button to learn more about Marty and her grief-healing course.
Copyright © 2004 Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested
in publishing this article, please email
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