Dealing with a Pet Death

    A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss

Are you anticipating or mourning the loss of your pet, and surprised and even overwhelmed at the depth of your grief? The lessons in this course are designed both to help you understand and cope with the grief of losing your pet, and to guide you towards meaningful growth, healing and inspiration. Come to a better understanding of the emotional upheaval caused by the shock, disbelief, anger, guilt and sorrow that are commonly experienced when a beloved pet is lost. Learn meaningful ways to memorialize your faithful friend. You deserve to feel comforted, understood and acknowledged as a person in grief, and reassurance that you are normal and healthy in loving your faithful animal friend so deeply. [Course Overview] [Enroll Now]

Dear Marty ~ When Pet Loss Feels Worse than Loss of a Relative
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley

Question: Last week my beloved dog Teddy was taken very suddenly, killed by a hit and run driver, and I am a basket case. I am just so sad I can't deal with life right now. I know pets are not human, but does that make the loss any less? People say, "Get over it; he's only a dog" - but he wasn't only a dog; he was literally my best friend. Then my grandpa passed away yesterday, and I feel so confused. I loved my grandpa very much, just never really expressed it much. He was not the type of a person who showed affection, but in my heart I know he loved me. We knew he had cancer and was suffering and that he would pass away soon, but now I feel like he will be taken care of and is in a place where the pain is no more, and is smiling and laughing with friends and family. So why can't I feel the same emotion for a human being that has been in my life for 40 years, compared to my pet that I only had for three years? Am I totally that much of an unfeeling person?

Answer: You have just described one of the most common reasons why animal lovers feel so guilty for feeling so deeply the pain of pet loss - and why it is often so difficult to find the empathy, understanding and support we so desperately need from others. I want to assure you that you are neither unfeeling nor abnormal in how you are reacting to both of these deaths. I'd like to tell you - and others who may be reading this - why.

Since your grandfather was an older man suffering from terminal cancer, his death did not come unexpectedly, and possibly you and your family viewed his passing as a relief from his suffering. As you say, now you can think of him as being in a better place, free of pain, smiling and laughing, reunited with friends and family. That is not to say that those of you who are left behind aren't sad that he has died and won't still miss him terribly - but chances are that you knew and accepted that he was dying, and may consider his death to be within the natural order of such things.

Your dog's death, on the other hand, was very sudden, unexpected, the result of a brutal hit-and-run accident, and came at a fairly early age in the life span of a dog. It's also important to recognize that the relationship you had with your dog (whom you yourself describe as your best friend) is different from the one you had with your grandfather - not better than, but different from.

People I encounter in pet grief support groups are often shocked to discover how bad they feel when their pets die. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard statements such as, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I didn't feel this bad when my grandmother (acquaintance, friend, relative) died."

It's important to understand that the love we receive from our beloved pets is different from the love we share with our fellow human beings. With their constant presence, availability and devotion, pets may be our best source of unconditional love, becoming for many of us the ideal child, parent, mate or friend. They listen without judgment or reproach, and never give advice. They accept us exactly as we are, regardless of how we look or feel or behave. They forgive us readily and never hold grudges against us. No matter how much change we must endure in our unpredictable lives, our pets are always there for us. If we allow them to do so, our pets are more than willing to weave themselves into the very fabric of our daily lives.

We live and relax in each other's company. They are there when we awaken in the morning, rely on us to toilet, feed, water, exercise, groom and play with them, greet us joyfully when we come home to them and may even sleep with us in our beds at night. We touch them, stroke them, pet them, hug them, kiss them, tell them our troubles and share our deepest secrets with them. No matter how close you were to your grandfather, I would venture to guess that none of these statements would describe the relationship you had with your grandfather. Unless he lived with you, you probably didn't see your grandfather every single day either, and were accustomed to loving him in his absence, whereas your dog was with you constantly, and you grew accustomed to loving him in his presence. Think of what a drastic change this is when your dog is no longer such an intimate part of your daily life. Is it any wonder that you miss him so much? Everywhere you go in your home, you're probably bumping into reminders that Teddy is no longer there.

Most pet owners today - and certainly the animal lovers I meet in my pet loss support groups - regard their pets as members of the family. And how we react to the death of our family members- human or animal- depends to a large extent on the part they've played in our daily lives, the significance of our relationships with them, and the strength of our attachments to them.

I don't know how your beloved Teddy came into your life, but you may be interested to learn that you're likely to be even more highly attached to your pet if you've nursed him through a chronic illness or rescued him from certain death; if you associate him with important times in your life or link him with significant others who are no longer with you; and if you've relied on him to support you or get you through a crisis.

How attached we become to our animals is as individual as we are, but the bonds that we have are valid, worthy of understanding, and serve to explain the intense pain we feel when those bonds are broken.

And so, my friend, I want to gently suggest that you stop beating yourself up for feeling so acutely the pain of losing your beloved dog, and stop comparing the pain of that loss to how you're feeling about the death of your grandfather. These are two very different losses, and both are equally worthy of your grief. You are the only one who knows how very much your dog meant to you, and you are the only one who can measure how very much you have lost. Don't let anyone "should" you by telling you what you should or should not be feeling about any of this.


Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor

Marty Tousley is the creator and instructor of these Self-Healing Expressions courses. Click these links to learn more about Marty and her grief-healing courses.
A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss
A Different Grief: Helping You and Your Children with Pet Loss
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.


Copyright © 2005 Marty Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested in publishing this article, please email .