The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey
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Dear Marty ~ Should I tell My Dad He's Dying?
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley
Question: We know my dad
is dying of cancer but apparently he still isn't aware of the truth. I don't find
this to be right. I believe he should be told so if he has things he would like to
say or do he can say or do them. I don't find that my stepmother is being fair
with him. She has been a tough one to deal with during all this. She doesn't
even tell us girls what is going on with our father. I was angry with her for this,
but I have accepted that this is just her way for whatever her reasons. My
stepbrother has called to tell me that hospice is dropping more and more hints,
the signs of his end are more obvious, and it is really only a matter of time now.
My sister and I have decided to visit him for the last time and say our goodbyes.
Is there something you can share with me on coping with this being the last
time I will probably see him alive? Should I say something about him not going
to pull through this one? I am scared to face this now. Any words from you will
be appreciated.
Answer: I'm so very sorry to
learn of the terminal illness of your dad. I can only imagine how difficult this is
for you and your sister, and I'm pleased to know that you and your sister will
be going to visit your dad soon. I'm sure that visit will mean a lot to all of you.
You've asked me how you might cope with seeing your dad for possibly the very
last time, and whether you should say something to him about his condition. I
think that you will cope by just going ahead and doing what you plan to do even
though you are scared to do it, my friend. Somehow we think real courage is
about soldiers being the first ones to charge up the hill, or about firefighters
running into a burning building. Yet real courage is simply facing that which we're
most afraid of, and doing it anyway, despite our fear. Somehow you will find the
strength to do what you need to do, and you will be glad you did. Think of how
you would feel if you did not go to see your dad, and missed this opportunity to
be with him one last time.
As for saying something to him about his condition, I can assure you that your
dad probably knows a whole lot more about his illness than anyone else does,
even if he does not acknowledge it to those around him. Keep in mind that this
is his life, and
his dying,
and he will do it the way that
he needs to do it. Also remember that we human beings are pretty well defended
- we hear what we want to hear and keep out the rest. That is how each of us
just gets through the day. Your dad will face his dying when he is ready to do so,
and for all you know, he has already done that. As a man, a husband and a father,
he may be feeling a need to protect those around him by not expressing freely and
openly what he feels and knows. Do not assume what he is thinking and feeling.
The only way to know for sure is to ask! When you're with him, you might ask him
what he makes of his illness or what he thinks is going to happen to him. Take
your cue from him. If he's ready and willing to talk about it and he knows that
you are ready and willing to listen, he will let you know what's on his mind.
The greatest gift you can give to your father right now is just to be there with
him -- and that is precisely what you are planning to do. Let the rest just
happen, and you will be fine.
I hope this helps, my friend. Please know that I am thinking of you and your
dad, and when you're ready to do so, I hope you'll let me know how you are
doing.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Marty Tousley is the creator and instructor of the Self-Healing Expressions course
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.
Click button to learn more about Marty and her grief-healing course.
Copyright © 2004 Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested
in publishing this article, please email .
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