Dear Marty ~ I've Lost Two Little Lives. . . My Grief Hurts. . .
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley
Question: Recently I have lost my Oranda goldfish Jupiter. I
loved him very much. I did not know what he died of but I knew something was wrong with my gentle
giant. After he died, I took him out of the tank, wrapped him in some space-theme fabric and buried him
in the back yard. The following week, I discovered that my cockatiel's egg has hatched. I was so
happy! The little baby was doing just fine up until yesterday when it died. It is a little hard
writing this letter. I lost two little lives. I held both of them in my hands and now they are in the
earth. I feel like I could have done something to save them. It hurts like hell. I try to hold it in
but it hurts. I grieved but it still hurts. Can you please offer some feedback or
grief support
suggestions? Thank you.
Answer: I'm so sorry to learn of the deaths of your beloved
Oranda goldfish and baby cockatiel, and both so close together. When deaths come suddenly and
unexpectedly like this, it is natural to feel shock and numbness. You just can't believe this has
happened, and you find it hard to accept that both your precious little pets are really gone.
Because others may not understand your attachment to these little ones, you may find yourself
reluctant to share your feelings of
grief
with anyone else, which can leave you feeling isolated and alone. Unlike other losses we experience,
others may regard losing a tiny pet such as a goldfish or a baby bird as somehow trivial or
insignificant. And you may be faced with some pretty insensitive comments from certain folks. Yet
only you can know how much these precious animals meant to you, and so only you can measure exactly
how much you have lost.
I'm not sure how you found me, but if you haven't already done so, I urge you to pay a long visit to my
Grief Healing website,
at http://www.griefhealing.com. The site offers information, comfort and support to those who are
anticipating or mourning the death of a loved one, whether that is a person or a cherished companion
animal. On my grief-healing site you'll find information about our newly launched
Grief Healing Discussion Groups
which give you the opportunity to communicate with other animal lovers whose circumstances may be
similar to your own. Sharing experiences this way often reassures us that, although the loss of our
pet is absolutely devastating, we are not alone in our
pain and grief,
and by reading the accounts of others, we may come to realize that if others can get through such
terrible losses, perhaps we will find a way to get through it, too.
I can only tell you that what you are feeling is absolutely normal, even though you may feel at
times that you are crazy or losing your mind. The depth of our grief is determined by the strength
of our attachment to the ones who have died, not by the species of the ones who are lost, and the
pain we feel at losing them is the price we pay for loving them so much.
You say you feel as if you could have/should have done something to save these dear little ones.
Please know that guilt is one of the most common reactions we have in grief, and it may help for
you to read my article,
Loss And The Burden Of Guilt.
I've also written an e-mail course to help people understand why pet loss hurts so much and ways to
come to terms with that pain; you can get a sense of it at
A Different Grief: Pet Loss ~ Lesson One.
I hope this information proves helpful to you, and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will let
me know how you're doing.
Wishing You Peace And Healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Copyright © 2003 Marty Tousley. All rights reserved. If you wish to publish this article,
please email
.
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About Marty's Pet Loss course
Explore both the myths and the realities surrounding the experience of pet loss in this e-course,
including why it hurts so much and how it differs from other losses.
- Learn how children of different ages react to the loss of a beloved family pet, and how they differ from adults in expressing grief.
- Find useful suggestions to help you talk with children about the sensitive topics of death and pet euthanasia.
- Be guided through the emotional upheaval of grief and come to a better understanding of the shock, disbelief, anger, guilt and sorrow that are commonly experienced when a beloved pet is lost.
- Discover how to plan ahead for the death of a pet while honoring your own values and spiritual beliefs.
- Find suggestions for meaningful ways to memorialize your faithful friend.
- Recognize what you can do when a pet has gone missing.
- Learn how you can provide for your pet in case of your own unexpected absence or death.
- Discover how to support a friend who has lost a pet.
Course Outline
Course Length: 24 lessons
Recommended Course Pace: weekly receipt of lessons
Course Reviews
