DEAR MARTY ~ Mourning the Death of A Love Relationship
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley

Question: I am facing divorce due to verbal abuse. I'm having a terrible time leaving someone I love, but I have to for the sake of my children and myself. Any books you'd recommend on grieving this type of loss? Thank you kindly.

Answer: I'm so very sorry to learn of the difficulties you're facing. Whenever there is a loss of something important in our lives, we grieve. And grieving is certainly a part of the divorce or breaking-up process. Usually for a death there is a ritual with a funeral or memorial service, and some understanding in our culture that mourning is important. But for the death of a love relationship , there is no prescribed ritual of mourning, and the grief is seldom acknowledged or accepted. I'm reminded of this poignant observation by Robert Fulghum:

When we've changed our religious views or political convictions, a part of our past dies. When love ends, be it the first mad romance of adolescence, the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship, it is the same.
A death. Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion: a possibility is dead. And there is no public or even private funeral. Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage. And the last rites are held in the solitude of one's most secret self - a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul.
- Robert Fulghum, From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives

When a love relationship dies, oftentimes there is an injury to one's own ego, a sense of failure and a diminished sense of self-worth. There are nagging questions about what went wrong and many fears about the future, especially when children are involved. In order to get yourself into a position to enjoy life again, it's important to learn whatever lessons this experience has to teach you, to get to know yourself better and to develop new parts of yourself that you did not know were there before.

Arming yourself with knowledge and support, is important for healing grief of any sort. Below are some book recommendations that you may find helpful and "on point":

The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments
by William Bridges

Life Is Goodbye, Life Is Hello: Grieving Well Through All Kinds of Loss
by Alla Renee Bozarth

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
by Bruce Fisher, Robert E. Alberti, Virginia M. Satir Bozarth

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live through the Ending of Yours
by Daphne Rose Kingma

I hope this information proves helpful to you, and I wish you and your children all the best as you work your way through this difficult time.

Wishing You Peace,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor

Marty Tousley is the creator and instructor of the Self-Healing Expressions course The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Click button to learn more about Marty and her grief-healing course.

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Copyright © 2004 Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested in publishing this article, please email .