When Someone You Love Pushes Your Buttons …
By Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway
Nothing is more aggravating in relationships than having your buttons pushed by the one you
love. It seems ironic that the one you love could make you so insane. But once the honeymoon
period cools and real life sets in, we all take our partners off the pedestal and begin to
notice their less than finer points. People often ask me how to fix common relationship
problems such as this. Sometimes the best thing to do is just let the dark parts come up so
you can shine a light on them. As Mary Sarton once said,
"No partner in a love relationship
should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable." True
love is a state of freedom and authenticity. It is not our place to try to fix, change or
make somebody else okay in life.
Not a Bad Thing
Your partner probably brings up some of the unresolved issues and forces you to revisit and
reflect on that within you that needs some attention and healing. Relationships often bring all
our "issues" up. Bringing these things to light is not necessarily a "bad thing."
Lessons To Learn
The people who show up in our lives all have a lesson to bring us or learn with us. When
relationships are difficult is often because they are highlighting a hidden part of the self
that we have disowned or weren't even aware of. Intimate relationships beg us to explore our
shadow selves. These shadows are not the "boogie man/woman;" they are signs that within lives
unknown aspects of self. In many cases, these parts would never be discovered, were it not
for the partner who pushes your buttons! The gift is it is a chance to look for deeply into
ourselves… and an opportunity to love ourselves even more by loving "the other."
Even difficult relationships are sacred
If someone shows up in your life to share love, you have been given the great gift of a
partner to help you navigate the sometimes smooth, and sometimes choppy, ocean of Relationships.
This person can be a romantic partner, a friend, a co-worker, or a family member. If a
relationship or interaction is stimulating or triggering negative emotions or fears, note
where this person makes you angry, what about them makes your blood boil; get in touch with
how it is you may feel unloved or upset around them. Then consider they are reflecting
something to you that comes from within you. It is one of the hardest lessons for us to
learn in life because we always want to point a finger at the other person.
The Responsibilities of Loving
In these relationships, you may feel that you want to flee… but you cannot flee from
yourself. You will only recreate the same pattern elsewhere. When you learn to pay
attention to the darker side of relationships and not be fearful simply because it is
dark, you will learn which relationships are truly good for you and which you must leave
behind. And you will be able to learn which partnerships are ultimately healing and which
add injury and insult. This is a process that requires you to take a lot of personal
responsibility - to detect and admit your own imbalances and to take on the work of healing
them, and by observing and making a decision to alter co-dependent and unhealthy behaviors.
Steering the Relationship
Love, by its very nature, brings with it a subtle yet sweeping transformative power that
brings us closer to our own greatness. But each partner in a love relationship - as well
as friends and family members - must get there of their own accord, with love as the
gentle impetus, not as the sledge hammer that enforces change. You can't fix your partner,
although you can begin to alter your own understanding, behavior and consciousness in the
relationship. You can begin to steer the relationship toward a more conscious exploration
of the shadowy sides of loving and being intimate with another.
Know When it's Over
Some people come to us to teach us and then they move on. Some come to learn with us but
fail to take away from the relationship the lessons that will empower them to grow. It is
important to assess the signs of a partner who has no intention to evolve. The proof here
is in the pudding: they simply never make any effort to change and you end up doing all
emotional work in the relationship. You will naturally want to do all you can to help
this person along, but there will come a time of reckoning, of absolute truth telling,
when you must assess if a relationship has run its course. And it is always wise to
clarify the differences between getting your buttons pushed as a natural process of
relating and being in a relationship that is filled with a lot of upset and aggravation.
Final Word
Talk to your loved one and see if she/he is willing to discuss the situation and find
out her/his point of view as well: Is she/he feeling her buttons pushed by you? Telling
the truth, and opening the door to her telling the truth, is the first step to liberate
you and your loved one from a negative pattern you may be stuck in. See if you can open
the dialog for some conscious and loving exploration. It's always a more pleasant
experience if you and your partner can deal with things in a conscious, loving way. Good luck!
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About Rev. Laurie Sue's love relationships email course
Create Your Romantic Resumé: A 30-Day Program to Transform Your Romantic Destiny
guides you towards clarity about the love you desire, as well as, provides many spiritual
tools to draw in your beloved.
- Evaluate and be guided on how to liberate yourself for new love by releasing past relationships.
- Learn an alternative approach towards love, while examining the traits you value in your "ideal" mate -- from the physical, to the practical, to the spiritual.
- Deeply explore your preference on issues such as living habits, religion, work styles, finances, compatibility, commitment, and personality -- to name a few.
- Learn meditations, affirmations and prayers for drawing in your soulful love.
Ultimately, you will gain clarity on many issues you probably hadn't considered before.
Finally, in a surprisingly simple manner, pull together this newfound clarity to create your
own personalized Romantic Resumé - thereby planting the seeds for the romance of a lifetime.
About the Instructor
Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is an author, teacher and contemporary clergy person specializing in
matters of the heart and soul. She is creator and instructor of
Create Your Romantic Resumé: A 30-Day Program to Transform Your Romantic Destiny,
an email course available exclusively at
www.SelfhealingExpressions.com.
She is The Romance Reverend ~ Soulful Love columnist for
www.SoulfulLiving.com.
And author of
A Goddess Is a Girl's Best Friend: A Divine Guide To Finding Love, Success and Happiness
(Perigee Books, December 2002).
