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Understanding Normal Grief ~ Online Grief Courses
Dear Marty ~ Finding Help for Suicide Thoughts
Q & A by Bereavement Counselor Marty Tousley
Question: I hope that it is okay to ask you this question, as I have no one else to ask. I've met with a hospice bereavement counselor five or six times since my mother passed away two months ago. When I saw her this past Friday, I finally told her that I was fighting with suicidal thoughts. She really said nothing in response, except to tell me that "they are not equipped to deal with this." She did not ask me if had a plan or anything. I did tell her that the only reason I am still here is because of a dear, very shy dog I have, that my dog would not have anywhere to go where she would be happy, and that I could not do in my own dog . This lady also told me that "our time is up because they are so busy." Is this lady safe for me?
Question: I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your mother; please accept my deepest sympathy. I'm also horrified to think that any hospice bereavement counselor would make such an insensitive statement in response to your sharing thoughts of suicide. I cannot imagine what courage it must have taken for you to share such thoughts in the first place, and then to hear such an inappropriate response from someone supposedly in a helping role - how awful this must have been for you!
Find Another Counselor
First, I must agree with your assessment that, for whatever reason, this person is not a good fit for you. And I strongly encourage you to find another counselor. I don't know where you live, so I don't know what bereavement resources are available to you in your community, but you might try calling other hospices and hospitals that may be near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a grief referral, and ask either for individual counseling or for a support group. (Some hospices, including
Hospice of the Valley
here in Phoenix, AZ offer special groups specifically aimed at daughters who've lost their mothers.) The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for hospices in your own community, click on
Find a Hospice Program.
You can also call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.
Suicide Thoughts
That said, I want to address your concerns about having suicidal thoughts. It's important to know that thoughts of suicide are not unusual when we're grieving. We may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless. It is difficult for us to imagine life without our loved one, and we may feel a compelling need to join or to be with the person who has died. Nevertheless, there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end.
It's also important to note that the sorrow of grief is not the same as clinical depression. A griever looks outside and sees the world as poor and empty, while a depressed person looks inward and sees the self that way. Depression is a treatable illness. If you're concerned that you may be clinically depressed, I urge you to consult with your primary care physician. You may need medication, or you may need only to be reassured that your feelings are within the normal limits of grieving. At the very least, please check out this Web site:
IF YOU ARE THINKING OF SUICIDE, READ THIS FIRST.
Take Steps to Understand Normal Grief
I don't know what you've read about
normal grief,
but arming yourself with information is very important, and I cannot emphasize enough how helpful it can be. The more you know about what is
normal and predictable in grief,
the better prepared you are to manage your own reactions. For example, although feelings of hopelessness, anguish and despair are normal following any major loss, the intensity and duration of those feelings will vary from one person to the next, as the reality of the loss becomes more apparent in daily life.
The sorrow of grief saps your energy, making even simple tasks like getting out of bed in the morning, tending to personal grooming, fixing a meal or going somewhere with friends seem overwhelming and exhausting. You may feel negative and critical toward everything and everyone, including yourself. Even in the company of others you may still feel lonely, and may prefer to avoid gatherings of any size. You may find yourself crying at the slightest provocation or at unexpected moments.
On the other hand, you may fear that if you show your sadness, there will be no end to it- that if you permit yourself to cry the tears will never stop. As a child you may have been taught that crying is a sign of weakness, and strong people (especially men) don't cry. If it is the style of some in your family to be strong and silent in front of others, you may have to accept it and allow for it. Nevertheless, it is far better to let the tears come, and welcome them as a natural and helpful form of release. When you permit yourself to let go for a time and release what you feel, you'll be better able to function afterward. And get rid of the notion that you're crying too much; there is no such thing. It is physically impossible for anyone to cry 24 hours a day!
Getting Support
I don't know how you found me, but I hope you will spend some time exploring the pages of my
Grief Healing
Web site, which offer lots of information, comfort and support to those who are in mourning. Consider joining our online
Grief Healing Discussion Groups,
too, where you'll find a forum for those who have lost a parent. This service is available to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week -- and at no cost! Another alternative is to take my online course on grief:
The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.
The point is that you need not settle for help that is not helping you, my friend. You managed to find me, and you owe it to yourself to explore some of these other resources too. I hope this information proves helpful to you. And when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will let me know how you are doing.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Copyright © 2006 Marty Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are
interested in publishing this article, please email
.
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